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With many pastors facing burnout and congregations suffering from internal divisions, there is a need for Christian resources that present concrete problem-solving techniques for handling conflict in the church. This book offers practical skills and strategies that the authors have learned through years of studying nonviolent communication (NVC) as described in Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, and as developed by numerous NVC trainers all over the world. Using real-world case studies and examples, Hunsinger and Latini helpfully guide pastors and lay leaders through effective and compassionate ways to deal with discord. These strategies include differentiating observations from evaluations, experiencing and expressing feelings, identifying and connecting with needs, and making requests rather than demands. By learning the basic skills of compassionate communication, church leaders can be empowered to transform, rather than merely manage, church conflict
- Sales Rank: #720674 in Books
- Published on: 2013-04-12
- Released on: 2013-04-12
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.02" h x .57" w x 5.98" l, .80 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 184 pages
About the Author
Deborah van Deusen Hunsinger is the Charlotte W. Newcombe Professor of Pastoral Theology at Princeton Theological Seminary. An ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), she is the author or editor of several books, including Pray without Ceasing: Revitalizing Pastoral Care.
Theresa F. Latini is the George Weinman Chair of Pastoral Theology and Ministry at Luther Seminary and Parish Associate at Lake Nokomis Presbyterian Church in Minneapolis. An ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), she is the author of The Church and the Crisis of Community: A Practical Theology of Small-Group Ministry.
Most helpful customer reviews
6 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Conflicts as Opportunities to Learn and Grow
By Dr Conrade Yap
All communities over time will experience conflicts. Churches too. It is not about whether conflicts will occur or not. It is a question of when. Knowing this fact of life, perhaps, since conflicts are going to happen anyway, why not learn how to positively deal with it? Rather than let conflicts deform and destroy relationships, why not use them as opportunities to transform people and the Church community? This calls for compassionate leadership. Based on their experience and knowledge of "Non-Violent Communications," developed by Marshall Rosenberg, the authors learn of eight ways in which NVC can be used to transform Church conflicts. Below is my paraphrase.
1) From Criticisms to Opportunities for Greater Understanding;
2) From Disengagement to Dialogue;
3) From Hurting to Healing;
4) From Dismissive to Meaningful Expressing of Oneself;
5) From Nonchalance to Compassion for People;
6) From Anger to Healthy Application of Such Emotions;
7) From a Distant Observer to a Mediating Brother;
8) From Indifference to Authenticity.
The core approach in the entire book is based on the NVC model: Observation; Feeling; Need; Request. These four need to be cognitively understood and internalized. Approach conflict with a desire to learn about others and ourselves. Address meaningless violence with meaningful reconciliation. Through honesty and compassion, boldness and creative communications, we can experience more hope and joy as conflicts are transformed into opportunities for growing in greater understanding. The three broad strokes of the book can be summarized as: 1) Identifying feelings in "concrete, practical, and accessible terms"; 2) Understanding the underlying needs in various parties; 3) Developing effective communications.
I am amazed by the depth of coverage with regards to understanding emotions. The NVC cycle is indeed a powerful tool that looks simple at first, but challenging in practice. Challenging not because of the theoretical concepts, but in terms of the willingness of individuals and groups to adopt it. Theory is one thing. Practice is another. Thus, the authors place special emphasis on making sure that the concepts are well supported by practical tips and steps. I appreciate the way the authors have structured the book, beginning with listening, progressing toward feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and eventually self-expression. A curious thing is the title which is only covered explicitly in the final chapter. Readers may wonder why. I believe the authors have intentionally delayed their prescription for "Transforming Church Conflict" by addressing individuals first. That is a very profound understanding of what Church means. Church is about the "Ekklesia" the called out people of God. The people of God are made of individuals. Christ loved and died for individuals. Each of us needs to establish that relationship with Christ first, and from that relationship, build that on the Church, the people of God, the body of Christ. By spending considerable time on helping individuals discover themselves, and to relate to one another, the groundwork for reconciliation and restoration would have been done. Readers will realize that after reading nine chapters into the book, they will be so familiar with the terminology and concepts of the NVC compassionate communications, that they will not be distracted by the details of the conflicts, but to listen to the underlying feelings and needs.
Let me give three reasons why you should read this book.
First, conflict is way too common to avoid or ignore. We need more solutions rather than merely identifying problems. Thus, any resource that contributes more solutions than problems are to be welcomed. This book provides the NVC resource to help churches deal with any conflict, mainly because all conflicts are relational.
Second, conflicts are more often a relational problem rather than a material problem. Many disagreements arise not out of the disagreement per se, but a lack of attentive listening to one another. Without accurate connections of feelings to needs, one cannot resolve anything. Worse, if one has unmet needs and is unable to recognize their own needs in the first place, the problem only increases exponentially.
Thirdly, knowing conflicts will happen only in a matter of time, what better way than to show the world that believers can strongly disagree but still beat as one united body. Didn't Christ say that if we love one another, all people will know that we are his disciples? It is one thing to disagree. It is yet another to disagree and speak the truth in love, knowing that the disagreement is not going to change the love. It is only an opportunity to learn more about each other.
I highly recommend this resource for all leaders and people interested in the well-being of self, people, and their communities. As I read the book learning about how churches and people can transform conflicts into meaningful connections, I find myself being challenged to be a better listener, to learn to connect feelings to needs, and to remember that God's love compels me to be an agent of transformation, in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Rating: 5 stars of 5.
conrade
This book is provided to me free by Westminster John Knox Press and NetGalley without any obligation for a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Learning to communicate non-violently
By Linda Brebner
This is a very thoughtful book which describes how church folks can gain the skill of non-violent communication. In an age in which so many, including those within religious groups, communicate in aggressive and violent ways, this book has the potential to help church councils to work together in ways that builds community and uplifts the individuals who part of it. Indeed, those who yearn to bring about justice and peace in our world must first learn to show love and caring toward those within our faith communities.
5 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
So supportive, affirming, and inspiring!
By LoraKim Joyner
I have worked in congregations for many year. In this time, boy howdy, have I seen conflict! My greatest hope lies in Nonviolent Communication, also known as Compassionate Communication. Such hope is summarized in this book. The authors write, "We have become convinced that nonviolent or compassionate communication is the best singe resource available for learning the complex interpersonal and pastoral leadership skills needed by today's church." They go on to say, "Compassionate communication helps us maintain our inner clarity and sense of direction in the midst of challenging situations in which we have significant personal investment." I love the hope and vision this book offers as they offer practical ideas on how to make the most of the transformational possibility inherent in conflict. I recommend this book to you.
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